When I was approached about writing a piece on how to tell if you were a vampire, it occurred to me that I could do so much more for the mortals walking around this Halloween. If you believe that you or somebody you love is a vampire, buy a copy of YOU’RE A VAMPIRE – THAT SUCKS!: A SURVIVAL GUIDE immediately. This definitive guide to vampirism will help determine if you are among the living dead and, if you are, how to enjoy that wonderful new undead life. However, there are a few simple precautions you can take to ensure your continued existence as a homo sapien and avoid waking up as a vampire, werewolf, zombie, or other supernatural creature.
Friendships can come back to bite you
Whatever you do, don’t approach someone who has turned just because you used to know them. This is the most common and understandable reason for putting yourself into danger, but trying to connect to that person you once knew is a complete waste of time. (Unless you are the one hunting–a familiar face can be an easy meal. Well…physically easy to catch, but emotionally you’ll probably have some difficult issues to work out.) The individual you knew and loved before their transformation is not the same person. This is especially true of individuals just turned, because they don’t understand their new bodies and cravings yet. Think of it like a kid in a candy store. Children are so overwhelmed with their choices that they lose all sense of control and just start grabbing everything without any awareness of the outside world. Except now it is your “friend” seeing you as a jumbo sized gummy bear. That should be enough to kill any nostalgic feelings you were having.
Don’t be the “brave” one
Bravery is defined as courageous behavior. Heroes are constantly droning on about how bravery is taking action despite being afraid. Here’s the problem – fear is nature’s way of keeping you alive. See that snake rattling its tail and showing its fangs? It’s okay to be scared and keep your distance. Simple! However, you humans hear something in a dark alley and decide to investigate to “prove” there is nothing to be scared of. Were you planning on going down that alley? Do you need to pass through it to get to your destination? Is that alley the only way to get there? No! The only person/creature that needs to be in a dark alley is someone who doesn’t want to be seen. This goes for spooky forests, locked rooms, caves, and other locations that offer lots of concealed locations from which predators can attack. They say there is a thin line between bravery and stupidity. I think they are the same damn thing.
Use common sense
If you use common sense, I’m confident you can avoid being food or turned into something your human self would label a monster. You mortals might be wondering why you should trust me–I am, after all, a vampire. The honest answer is simple and rather selfish; I don’t want the hassle of more supernatural creatures running around. Yes, new vampires are good for business, but then I have to deal with their constant questions. It’s worse than kids in the back seat during a long road trip asking “are we there yet?” every 30 seconds. Werewolves create a huge mess as they stumble through their puppy years. Zombie outbreaks take a huge bite out of my food supply. Ghosts…well…ghosts can actually be quite friendly.
Stay safe and have a happy Halloween.
~Post by “Count” Domenick Dicce—a writer, actor, and the author of You’re a Vampire – That Sucks, available at these retailers:
Barnes & Noble