Smoking Guns That Indicate You’re Dating Someone Avoidant

There are many telltale signs that indicate when you’ve met someone avoidant. Arthur Conan Doyle coined the term “smoking gun” in one of his Sherlock Holmes detective novels. A smoking gun has since become a reference for an object or a fact that serves as conclusive evidence of not just a crime but any type of undeniable proof. We like to call any signal or message that is highly indicative of avoidance a smoking gun:

• Sends mixed messages—about his/her feelings toward you or about his/her commitment to you.

• Longs for an ideal relationship—but gives subtle hints that it will not be with you.

• Desperately wants to meet “the one”—but somehow always finds some fault in the other person or in the circumstances that makes commitment impossible.

• Disregards your emotional well-being—and when confronted, continues to disregard it.

• Suggests that you are “too needy,” “sensitive,” or “overreacting”—thus invalidating your feelings and making you second-guess yourself.

• Ignores things you say that inconvenience him or her—doesn’t respond or changes the topic instead.

• Addresses your concerns as “in a court of law”— responding to the facts without taking your feelings into account.

• Your messages don’t get across—despite your best efforts to communicate your needs, he or she doesn’t seem to get the message or else ignores it.

Note that it is not specific behaviors that threaten to become smoking guns but rather an emotional stance—an ambiguity about the relationship that goes hand in hand with a strong message that your emotional needs are not so important to him or her. He or she may say the right things at times, but his/her actions tell a different story.

 

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