Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, shared 12 reasons why you could still be single with CBS News online.
1. You play hard to get. You may end up with a date, but they’ll be the wrong person for you.
2. You fall for gender stereotypes. While we assume men are afraid of commitment and women are more needy, these negatives affect both genders.
3. You’re fixated on your ex. After a relationship ends, you choose only to remember the good things – creating an ideal that no new partner can measure up to.
Read the other 9 reasons in the gallery on CBSNews.com
Single on New Years’ Eve? Don’t sweat it. This can be a great time to meet a new guy. So put on your party hat and pucker up baby, here’s how to find him:
- Friends’ Parties. Unable to hang with your usual tight-knit crew on New Years? Good. Branch out. House parties are a great way to meet new guys. Plus, the guys have been vetted because they’re friends of friends. All it takes is a quick question to your friend to find out if he’s a good guy, a jerk, has a girlfriend, or is fair game. And likely, your friend will be a pal and make an introduction.
- At a bar. I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but good guys hang out at bars too. Yes, they might act doucheier. Sure, they’re not in their best frame of mind. But at the core, they probably aren’t that bad. This doesn’t mean that you should be taking a strange guy home with you, just saying you should be open to meeting him. Which brings me to my next point…
- Take a risk. So you want to find a guy. But you never seem to see any guys you want to talk to when you go out. How many times have you walked into a bar and said, “There’s no guys here.” Problem is, you’re just being too picky. Unless you have actually talked to every guy in the bar you find even remotely attractive, you have no way of knowing if there are good guys there or not. So take a risk and talk to people. There are some great guys out there, and you’re over-looking all of them if you’re too picky to even talk to one for 5 minutes.
- Make the first move. Taking a risk also means you may have to be the one to make the first move. And I promise, it’s not nearly as scary as you think. Guys are sick of doing all the work. If you talk to them first, they’ll be impressed with your confidence, and relieved that they didn’t have to put themselves out there.
- Consider stopping after the kiss. Consider this: if you meet a cute guy on New Years, you don’t have to go home with him just because it’s a holiday. The truth is, some guys are turned off when you sleep with them right away. Many will think that you must have slept with them so fast because you weren’t looking for any kind of commitment, or that there was nothing about them in particular that you liked (it was just your holiday horniness that got the better of you). Besides, chances are, you’re not going to be functioning at full mental capacity on New Years and may not have the most accurate sense of who’s bedroom worthy. So if you meet a guy you like, make out with him at midnight, get his number, and get to know him throughout 2012. We have at least a couple months before the world ends…
From Time.com, Healthland
By Maia Szalavitz
February 13, 2011
People tend to think of “attachment” and “bonding” as the subjects of child psychology, but in fact, these factors are just as important to adult health and happiness. So what defines the healthy adult relationship — is there such a thing as too “clingy” or “dependent?” — and can people change in order to find lasting love?
With studies showing again and again that our relationships are critical to our long-term mental and physical health, researchers are increasingly turning their attention to the nature of adult connections. In their new book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine and co-author Rachel Heller explore the topic. And just in time for Valentine’s Day, they offer a new perspective on how to find the right partner.
What are attachment styles and what characterizes them?
There are three major attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. [To find out yours or your partner's style, take this quiz.] Around 20% of people are anxiously attached. Anxious people need to be close; they love to be intimate. They are very preoccupied with relationships, and very sensitive to small cues of threat in a relationship. Let’s say their partner is going to the airport — it’s anxiety provoking for the relationship. They would start to worry if they didn’t hear from their partner soon. It’s almost like they have a very sensitive alarm system.
What about avoidant?
About 25% of people are avoidant. Avoidant people want to be in relationships — because we’re all programmed to get attached to other people — but something strange happens when they get close to a person. They are uncomfortable with too much closeness. They keep their partners at arm’s length and constantly try to negotiate intimacy and closeness. They see it as something that interferes with their independence.
They make up 54%, the majority, of the population. Securely attached people are warm and loving and love to be close, but they don’t have a sensitive alarm system. They don’t get preoccupied with the relationship; they don’t mind things so much. They have a talent for being in relationships. If they’re going to the airport and you’re anxious, they would call you before you even think about calling them.
The avoidant person would hit ignore and think, “Oh, she’s calling again,” and you end up yelling at each other. You can see what kind of a different life you would have with someone secure.
[By knowing about attachment styles], you actually have way to go about finding the right person.
Relationship science experts Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, authors of Attached, were guests on NPR’s Tech Nation. Listen to their interview to learn why attachment theory explains our behavior in relationships, and how you can apply it to understand your next date or current romantic partner.
Do you play dating games? You’re not the only one! While many of us feel guilty about playing games (such as waiting to return calls or acting disinterested), others insist it’s the only way. Tarcher consulted the experts - psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levine, M.D., and social-organizational psychologist Rachel Heller, the authors of Attached- to get the answer once and for all.
When out on a date, expressing your needs early on is key to finding the right match. Game-playing is something that many avoidants resort to naturally as a way to keep you at a distance. If you go along with this strategy even though what you truly crave is consistency and stability, you may end up attracting someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with being too close.
There’s nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve by saying “I need someone who’s there for me and that I can rely on” or “my parents were always very close to each other. That’s what I’m looking for in a relationship.” The response will speak volumes as to your partner’s ability to address your needs now and in the future.
Think about it: if you were interviewing people to fill in a position at work, would you ask indirect questions and avoid asking crucial ones just so they will take the job? Now think about this position that you’re trying to fill. It’s probably the most crucial one in your life
and watch our episode of Tarcher Talks with author Dr. Amir Levine:
What? a live Facebook chat sponsored by WorldCompass.org and hosted by ChickChat radio host Lara Cohen
When? Tonight! Tuesday, November 9th. 7:30 PM (EST)
Why? To discuss the issues raised in Cove’s book: Are women redefining ‘Happily Ever After’? Why are you single? Unsure if marriage is right for you? Seeking Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now)?
Listen to author Michelle Cove on The Emily Rooney Show (89.7 fm WGBH Boston) discussing Seeking Happily Ever After, her guide to navigating the single life and finding love along the way.
Just in time for National Singles Week (Sept 20-26)…
From the time that girls get their first Barbie and Ken dolls—or tune into virtually any Disney movie—they know how love is supposed to work. Find a man, get married, and start living happily ever after.
However, the reality is that there are currently more single women living in America than married women and more single women in their 30s than at any other time in history—figures that are only likely to rise with the next census. As filmmaker and bestselling author Michelle Cove observes in her feature-length documentary Seeking Happily Ever After and her upcoming book of the same name, this very real trend and the conflicting fairytale instilled in women from a young age are a recipe for chaos—the mental and emotional chaos that millions of women know as Singlehood.
An antidote to negative dating guides like The Rules and He’s Just Not That into You, Cove’s Seeking Happily Ever After: Navigating the Ups and Downs of Being Single without Losing Your Mind is a practical roadmap to this challenging and ever-more-lengthy life stage. Drawing upon the remarkably candid insights and concerns expressed by the women she interviewed in her documentary, Cove offers a guide to help women:
- Understand what kind of relationship and partner they truly want
- Stop putting their lives on hold and start living Happily Ever Now
- Confront friends and family members who are adding pressure (intentionally or not)
- Navigate our marriage-obsessed culture
Packed full of informative sidebars, stories from numerous single women, and advice from an author who’s traveled this confusing road herself, Seeking Happily Ever After offers us the tools we need to be happy in every stage of singlehood.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Michelle Cove is the director and a producer of the feature-length documentary Seeking Happily Ever After. She is also coauthor of the national bestseller “I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!,” and has written and edited for Psychology Today, Skirt! Magazine, SingleMindedWomen.com, Women and Hollywood, Girls’ Life and many other publications. She lives in Massachusetts, with her husband, Ezra, and daughter, Risa.
ABOUT THE DOCUMENTARY:
Filmmakers Michelle Cove and Kerry David interviewed single women around the country for Seeking Happily Ever After, as well as experts like Bravo’s Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, author Greg Behrendt (He’s Just Not that Into You) and Harvard Business School professor Deborah Spar (The Baby Business), among many others. The documentary is currently being screened at film festivals across the nation, has been nominated for “Best Documentary” and “Best Female Filmmaker,” and a portion of the film will be featured as part of PBS’s WORLD Multicast (www.worldcompass.org) on the ‘State of Our Unions.’
SEEEKING HAPPILY EVER AFTER • Michelle Cove • Tarcher/Penguin paperback $16.95 / $21.00 CAN • September 23, 2010
Do you keep falling for guys that remind you of your favorite rock star? This is the dating guide for you! In Every Rose Has Its Thorn: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Field Guide to Guys , writer and relationship advice columnist Erin Bradley (“Miss Information” on Nerve.com) introduces you to ten different types of guys, based on our most beloved and notorious rock stars, to help you decode and take charge of your dating life.
Whether you’re looking to end a relationship with “Mr. Big Stuff” (i.e., the Kanye Wests of the world) or pining for a “Sweet Child o’ Mine” (Jonas Brothers, anyone?), Every Rose Has It’s Thorn helps you weigh the pros and cons of dating each type of guy and offers tips on finding, dating, and ending a relationship with each. Filled with advice, quirky illustrations, quizzes, and a “who’s who” of rock stars for each type, this book is a must for anyone looking to better identify and understand the rockstars and wanna-be’s you’ll meet on romance’s bumpy tour.
Ready to rock? CLICK HERE to preview the introduction and first chapter on “Bad Company” guys like Lil’ Wayne, Pete Doherty, and James Taylor.
Hitting the town this weekend in search of the right person to start a relationship with? Consult Carl Alasko’s list of the minimum requirements to look for in a potential romantic partner:
1. Physical availability: must not be involved with someone in any way; not married or living together, or in a phony separation (This is a deal breaker. Without this, there cannot be a second date – unless you’re heavily into self-punishment)
2. Financial availability: must be able to support him or herself, and not be depended on parents, an ex, or….you! People in “transition” often misrepresent the fact that their transition is a permanent state. (Try to get some proof as soon as possible).
3. Emotional availability: must be emotionally ready to make the necessary compromises inherent in developing a successful relationship (This requirement is sometimes immediately obvious, or may take months to determine)
4. No active addictions: not using alcohol, drugs, or gambling, food, pornography, or anything that’s detrimental to the relationship or personal health. This issue is subject to a LOT if manipulation and outright deception. (It’s best to err on the side of being suspicious)
5. Congruent values and ethics, as well as compatibility over foods, activity level, entertainment, politics, spirituality, etc. This area has room for the widest divergence. The greater the divergence, however, the more stress the relationship will suffer as it accommodates the other person’s needs. (learning about these matters takes many weeks and a determination to not delude yourself)
Note: While these categories apply to the other person, they must also apply to you. The importance of this issue cannot be overemphasized. The requirements must be assessed without any (or as little as possible) influence from the Toxic Trio: Denial, Delusion, and Blame
If you find the right person, check out Carl Alasko’s book Emotional Bullshit: The Hidden Plague That Is Threatening to Destroy Your Relationships – and How To Stop It for advice on how to maintain a healthy relationship. Alasko is a practicing psychotherapist and writes On Relationships a popular weekly advice column in the Monterey Country Herald.