Q&A with FAMILY INC authors Caitlin & Andrew Friedman!

At what point did you realize you needed to make changes in your own home?

After several years of things slipping through the cracks and the endless discussions about who was doing what, we knew things had to change. How many times can you argue about forgotten birthday presents, late bills, lost tax returns and the need for a new babysitter without losing your mind? So the issue for us wasn’t recognizing that we had to do things differently, it was how to do things differently. Luckily, during a long drive when we actually had time to list everything we had going on, we figured something out – that the key to reducing the stress, arguments and resentment is to treat the running of your household like a company. By using the systems and skills that you use at work (filing, job descriptions, action plans) you can easily get things under control at home.  We met while working together so we knew firsthand how weekly meetings and even your basic filing system helps things run smoothly…so why not try it at home?

 

What are the biggest indicators that a family needs to make changes?  

If you frequently find yourselves struggling to catch up with everything that needs to be done around the house, arguing over little things, putting off making bigger life changes because it feels overwhelming, feeling like you aren’t spending quality time with anyone or have no time for yourself, then your family needs to makes some changes.

 

You suggest running your family similar to an office – doesn’t that make your life seem like more work?

We feel that aspects of your home to-do lists are work. It’s not like you are emotionally invested in taking out the garbage, doing the laundry or paying the bills, yet because it’s at home it can often feel personal. And let’s be honest, some of what we need to do to keep the home running isn’t all that fun – so why not try and figure out the most efficient way to get it done?

 

When couples first sit down to rearrange their household responsibilities, what is the most important thing for them to remember?

A few important things to remember:

• Whenever possible delegate household responsibilities based on skills and interest. If one of you is more organized than the other then perhaps they should take on the yearly tax prep. If you are an excellent manager then you should take on hiring and training everyone from the babysitter to the teenager you hired to mow the lawn.
• Let the past go. Chances are that one of you has been doing more than the other – it happens all the time. See this as an opportunity to make things even between you and don’t hold on to past resentments.
• Be honest about what you can take on and get done each week, each month, and each year.

Read an excerpt HERE.

 

Buy your copy of FAMILY INC on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Indiebound

IT’S OKAY NOT TO SHARE Author Heather Shumaker on Staying Sane in the Summer (So the Kids Don’t Drive You Crazy!)

Heather Shumaker is a journalist whose writing has appeared in Parenting, Pregnancy, Organic Gardening, and other publications. A frequent speaker on parenting topics and an advocate for free, unstructured play in homes and schools, she has a special passion for nonprofits; before turning to writing full-time, she worked for The Nature Conservancy, Audubon Society, Hudson River Sloop Clearwater, and many others.

In IT’S OKAY NOT TO SHARE, Heather Shumaker describes her quest to nail down “the rules” to raising smart, sensitive, and self-sufficient kids. Below are some of Heather’s tips for staying sane when your kids are home for summer vacation!

As school edged to a close in June, my whole family grew antsy with anticipation.  The school year was great – our best yet – but we all needed relief from that rigid school schedule.  If you’re a part-time working parent or stay-at-home mom or dad, you know the feeling. The next question is what-to-do-with-the-kids-all-summer-long?

My answer is three-fold: empty day activities, daily rhythms and “you” time.

First, don’t try to be the Chief Entertainer. I’ve never really thought my job was to entertain kids.  Maybe this is part of my “renegade parenting.”  After all, I’m writing a book about this topic so I suppose it’s expected that my parenting views counteract the norm. My job is to raise kids, to give them the freedom and space they need to explore the world.  Entertainment is pre-packaged fun  - good fun, maybe, but usually following someone else’s idea.  Summer is an excellent time for kids to learn to follow their own ideas. In fact, it’s essential.  Kids need that time to recharge after being told what to do during the whole school year.  And you need time to be an adult.

EMPTY DAY ACTIVITIES

Here’s what I believe kids need to fill summer days:

Creativity – When kids are left to their own devices they get creative and PLAY.  All sorts of imaginative games with all sorts of creative props.  When my two kids spontaneously fall into a make-believe game, my job is to stay out of the way and offer supplies like cardboard when needed.

Boredom – We need to let children be bored.  To daydream.  To gaze at ceiling cracks and clouds.  Our job is not to entertain children every moment.  It’s OK if they do not seem to be doing anything all the time.

Reading - Stories, stories, stories.  Whether it comes from reading aloud, singing songs or looking at picture books by themselves or listening to a book on CD.  Summertime is meant for reading.

Work - I’m talking about chores, which for very young kids is mostly personal responsibility.  Putting their clothes away, picking up toys, bussing their dishes after a meal. Young kids often enjoy learning these skills and the sense of independence it brings.

Experiences – These are places I go out of my way to take my kids to so they can discover and experience the larger world. Experiences can be walks by the river, visits to museums, play at the beach, camping trips, or an outing to see owls at the nature center.

Relationships – Equally as important as experiences are relationships.  I spend my time helping the kids get to know their neighbors, modeling caring acts, and putting them in the company of a variety of people.  It’s far more important for them to see me taking care of an elderly neighbor than to be entertaining them.

DAILY RHYTHMS

Even in the bliss of summer days, kids should know what’s expected each day.  Get dressed by a certain hour, have quiet moments, go outside.  Here’s some tips to give gentle structure to summer days.

Wake up time – I love to see my kids, but not before quarter to 7.  Even young kids can learn when “morning time” starts and you’re ready to be on the job.  Try a “morning” light (a simple nightlight on a timer) to give young kids a signal to let them know when it’s OK to barge into your room and start the day.

Getting dressed – I find I go crazy fast if I can’t get out of the house by mid-morning, but my kids love to laze in their pajamas.  So I let them laze until 9am. It’s a relaxed schedule compared to the school year, but it gets us ready for…

An Outing – Plan an outing most days. This is not always an elaborate, fun-filled destination.  Sometimes it might be the grocery store or a walk around the block.  Outings give everybody new experiences and a change of pace.  Don’t give kids a choice: just tell them: “We’re going to the park/ post office/ for a walk now.  Get your shoes on.” It’s nice to set up weekly outing rhythms.  In our family, Wednesday morning is library day in the summer.

Quiet time – For kids too old to nap, set up a Quiet Time when they read or play quiet games on their own.  After lunch for an hour is the perfect time.  Kids can do this.

Evenings – Long summer evenings tempt us to keep the kids up late, but keep those bedtimes intact.  Kids need the sleep, and adults need the adult-only time. It’s hard for kids to sleep in the bright daylight, so rig up their rooms with dark window shades.  Summer days are much more fun if kids aren’t grouchy in the morning.

“YOU” TIME

Adult time – Kids take a backseat to adult needs sometimes.  For me this happens at least three times a day: early morning (no one can bother me until 7am), nap time (or Quiet Time for my older child), and evening.  After bedtime stories are through, it’s adult time for the rest of the evening.  Find times when the kids know they can’t intrude.

Of course, if you’re a full-time working parent, summer vacation brings a different headache: what-to-do-with-the-kids-for-summer-daycare?  That’s a scramble, and a topic of its own for another post.  But even if you’re away from the kids during working hours, some of these summer sanity tips can still help out.

How do you stay sane in the summer?  What are your tips for other families?

 

You can order IT’S OKAY NOT TO SHARE on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or IndieBound.

SNEAK PEEK: It’s OK Not To Share – “Let Your Kids Swear!”

 

Preorder on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or Indiebound.

What You Should Know About Your Kid’s School Lunch

SCARY FACTS ABOUT SCHOOL FOOD

from Tarcher’s book by Amy Kalafa, LUNCH WARS

see below for perks if you pre-order this book!

• By their own assessment, our government determined that American schools are flunking lunch: A 2007 School Nutrition Dietary Assessment concluded that the vast majority of schools in America exceed USDA guidelines for the quantities of saturated fat, total fat and sodium in school lunches.
• The surplus beef and poultry that the USDA offers as free commodity items to our school systems are held to a lower standard than fast-food chains like McDonald’s.  In the past decade, the USDA paid $145 million for pet-food grade “spent-hen meat” that went into the school meals program.
• The average dollar amount spent per school lunch nationwide is a mere $1, 25 cents of which is spent on milk. Factor in the minimum number of calories that school lunches need to provide our children with that remaining 75 cents, and it’s easy to see why many cafeterias wind up offering cheap, high-calorie foods like Pop Tarts, chocolate milk and pizza.
• Even free water is not a given in many school lunch rooms across the country: As bottled water brings in revenue for schools—not to mention the food management companies that supply them with goods to sell in cafeterias—many schools’ water fountains have fallen into disrepair.
• The kids who DON’T buy lunch at school are healthier—and they perform better academically: A 2008 study found that children who bought lunch at school were at an increased risk for being overweight. The study also found that students with a higher consumption of foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, fruits and vegetables performed better on a standardized literacy assessment, independent of socioeconomic factors. (Science Daily, Mar. 22, 2008).
• The average kid will eat 3,000 school lunches between kindergarten and 12^th grade. Replacing the chemical-fat-sugar-sodium-filled fare most schools are serving for lunch with nutritious, wholesome food could have an enormous impact on our children’s health—and their futures:  A 2008 study of 1349 students in grades 4 through 6 from 10 schools in a US city with a high proportion of children eligible for free and reduced-priced school meals participated in a multi-component School Nutrition Policy Initiative. Significantly fewer children in the intervention schools (7.5%) than in the control schools (14.9%) became overweight after 2 years.

LUNCH WARS will be available for purchase on August 18, 2011. It is available for presale at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, IndieBound, Borders, and Books-A-Million. E-mail a copy of your pre-order confirmation to LunchWarsBook@gmail.com and we’ll send you an invitation to join a FREE Lunch Wars Teleconference AND give you a discount on a DVD of Two Angry Moms, the documentary by Amy Kalafa that started the school food revolution!

VIDEO: Tom Sturges talks parenting, teens on KCAL

Tom Sturges recently joined to KCAL, LA’s CBS affiliate, to discuss his new book Grow the Tree You Got, which shares his rules for the parenting of teenagers. He emphasizes respecting your children and nurturing their individuality.

PW praises Tom Sturges’s “Dalai Lamaesque patience”

Order the book now:
Amazon.com

LISTEN to Tom Sturges on The Parenting Experiment

LISTEN:

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Posted on The Parent Experiment
May 8, 2011

Today’s guest is author Tom Sturges, who starts the conversation talking with Lynette and Stefanie about his background with the Grammy voting process. They also discuss his ‘Witness to a Dream’ foundation, where he talks about being a mentor to at-risk inner-city kids. He talks about a particular project he was proud  of, and the power of music and belief.

The group then discusses Tom’s relationship with his ex-wife, and the strange circumstances under which he met his new wife. Tom talks about wanting to write a book about how to end relationships amicably, and gives the girls advice on how to ‘operate’ a man.

The guys then flash back to Tom’s early days with a tumultuous adolescence and trying to have a normal life while living with terrible roommates. Lynette and Stefanie also talk about the play date their kids finally shared, and get advice from Tom on how to nurture their kids interests as they become adolescents.

In the last segment of the show, Lynette says she’s looking forward to her kids becoming teenagers. Tom suggests that parents should ‘myth’ a little bit about their own past, at least until the kids are out of the house and on the way to college. The show then wraps with a discussion of the warning signs you should look out for with teenagers, and the importance of giving them a ‘no questions asked’ option in case they’re in a bad situation.

Truths Of Being A Divorced Dad (HuffPost Divorce)

By Tom Sturges, author of Grow the Tree You Got

Posted on Huffington Post
May 10, 2011

Divorce carries with it a stigma, a harrowing possibility that life will never be as good as it was. Especially for the fathers, because so often the children are court bound to spend the majority of their time in the mother’s care. This leaves fathers scrambling to adjust schedules and get home from their business trips quicker. But divorce does not always have to be this way, and leave that mark on everyone-at least that is what I decided. I committed to my children and to my secret self that it would not be that way for us. I would make every effort every day to make time for us, if only for a few minutes some days. Although life as a divorced father has presented me with a number of challenges, I found ways to make it work. Several of these challenges took me by complete surprise, and a couple of them simply left me dumbfounded. But there you go. Life is what happens. It is a defensive game. You have to be prepared for anything to happen, because anything can happen. Like divorce. Who gets married expecting that to happen.

So here are some of the truths that were most life changing to me, once I joined the club and became a divorced dad–

Over Is Over. Once a woman is done loving a man, that’s it, there is no going back. She probably gave lots of opportunities to stay together, and whatever happened has happened, and now it’s over. Once that point is reached, forget about it. There is nothing to go back to, and nothing to do to change her mind once it is made up. This is one of the fundamental differences between women and men.

Home Is Where The Mommy Is. You read about families breaking up and the kids staying at one house for a few days or the weekend, and then at the other house for a few days, and so on. I could tell where my boys were happiest. They wanted to stay in the house they grew up in, where their mom lived, where they had always lived. So I let that happen. They would stay with me on occasion but not on a schedule. This worked out better for everyone and avoided the problem of two homes, two sets of rules, two bedtimes, and so forth.

There Is No Such Thing As Quality Time. Children measure how much you love them by how much time you spend with them. Quality Time is nonsense, there is only Quantity Time. Once divorced, I visited with my boys every day. Yes, you read that correctly, every day. Sometimes it was only to drive them to school or run a soccer practice, but they saw my face every single day. If I was away on a trip, I called them to let them know what I was doing and that I was always thinking of them.

Have to Be Nice to The Ex. A divorce is not an excuse to finally tell the mother of your children what you really think of her. Nor is an excuse to remove your filter and say whatever the **** you want, whenever you want. It is actually exactly the opposite. If you want peace in your life, accept that it will only happen if you keep your mouth shut, and keep your critical thoughts to yourself. I strictly followed the old Irish rule of good conversation: If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing.

Have to Be Nice To The Next. Undoubtedly the ex moves on, and finds someone new. This is part of the circle of life. She will and so will you. As awkward as it will be at first, the divorced father has to get used to a new presence…in his ex-’s life, in his children’s life, and in his own life. No time for jealousy, no reason to be unkind, and no purpose in harboring a ship full of what might have been’s. When the marriage is over, and it is time to move on, move on. And let the ex do the same, with your blessings.

Divorce is one of the sad things life throws at us. Is it worse than burying people you love, or going bankrupt, or realizing that your best friend has become an alcoholic? It is probably about equally sad, frankly, and just as hard to get over. But given enough time and patience with his own heart, and lots of time with his own children, the divorced dad finds a way and the divorce becomes just another memory.

I live by the strength of the words of Maya Angelou: “The past is the past and the future is perfect.”

Learn more in Tom Sturges’s new book, Grow the Tree You Got & 99 Other Ideas for Raising Amazing Adolescents and Teenagers.

PW praises Tom Sturges’s “Dalai Lamaesque patience”

Sturges (Parking Lot Rules) urges parents to “grow the tree you got,” in this inspiring advice book. Sturges maintains that it’s vital to encourage a child to pursue his or her passion–whether it’s acting, dancing, sports, music, or some other interest–while offering support, trust, freedom, and unconditional love. He incorporates tips from other parents, as well as lessons he’s learned as the father of two sons, 12 and 18, and draws from his own unusual experiences as an adolescent (his father, the writer/director Preston Sturges, died when he was three, and his mother sent him to a “preventative” drug rehabilitation program when he was 13). The author, with Dalai Lamaesque patience, says parents should treat teens with kindness, always putting the adolescent first (if one is tempted to yell, he advises, whisper instead: “Yelling scares and yelling scars”). He also emphasizes the importance of building new bridges when old bridges fail (e.g., if a child gives up a particular sport or other activity, find a new outlet to share together). Wise, warm, and compassionate in tone and message, Sturges’s text offers a range of ways to keep mutual lines of respect and communication open between parent and teen. (June)
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Order the book now:

5 Scary Facts About School Food

In her documentary Two Angry Moms, Amy Kalafa uncovered the alarmingly unhealthy  food being served in America’s school cafeterias each day.  Her upcoming book, Lunch Wars: How to Start a School Food Revolution and Win the Battle for Our Children’s Health, empowers parents to make a change. Looking at the facts below – it’s time to get reading and start the war!

• By their own assessment, our government determined that American schools are flunking lunch: A 2007 School Nutrition Dietary Assessment concluded that the vast majority of schools in America exceed USDA guidelines for the quantities of saturated fat, total fat and sodium in school lunches.

• The surplus beef and poultry that the USDA offers as free commodity items to our school systems are held to a lower standard than fast-food chains like McDonald’s.  In the past decade, the USDA paid $145 million for pet-food grade “spent-hen meat” that went into the school meals program.

• The average dollar amount spent per school lunch nationwide is a mere $1, 25 cents of which is spent on milk. Factor in the minimum number of calories that school lunches need to provide our children with that remaining 75 cents, and it’s easy to see why many cafeterias wind up offering cheap, high-calorie foods like Pop Tarts, chocolate milk and pizza.

• Even free water is not a given in many school lunch rooms across the country: As bottled water brings in revenue for schools—not to mention the food management companies that supply them with goods to sell in cafeterias—many schools’ water fountains have fallen into disrepair.

• The kids who DON’T buy lunch at school are healthier—and they perform better academically: A 2008 study found that children who bought lunch at school were at an increased risk for being overweight. The study also found that students with a higher consumption of foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, fruits and vegetables performed better on a standardized literacy assessment, independent of socioeconomic factors. (Science Daily, Mar. 22, 2008).

Ready to join the school food revolution? Pre-order the book now…
Amazon.com
Barnes&Noble.com
Borders.com
IndieBound.com

Upcoming: IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME

Parents today have more information at their fingertips than ever before, but great parenting wisdom and theories can often evaporate in the heat of the moment. When your toddler refuses to put his clothes on in the morning, do you distract him by offering choices, or do you rely on relevant consequences to teach him a lesson? And do you use a “When/Then” statement when your teenage daughter is screaming profanities at you, or do you actively disengage?

These questions and more are addressed in If I Have To Tell You One More Time. . .  The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Tarcher/Penguin hardcover, on sale August 2011) by Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and a regular parenting expert who has appeared on NBC’s Today and The Rachael Ray Show, among others. As a student of Adlerian psychology, McCready discovered that the most effective tools are those employing the positive discipline methods favored by parenting experts today. But like many parents, she found it difficult to apply these methods in daily life.

In If I Have To Tell You One More Time, McCready helps parents overcome this challenge. In this easy-to-follow guide, the author provides:

• Examples of common misbehavior, and how to address each issue by using simple tools
• Quizzes to help parents discover their parenting style and unconscious habits
• Answers to frequently asked questions from parents
• Step-by-step instructions for handling particularly volatile situations

Simple and concise, this revolutionary program will help readers easily navigate through the inevitable challenges that all parents encounter. Whether they are dealing with a willful two-year-old or a power-seeking twelve-year-old, If I Have To Tell You One More Time provides the tools that parents need in order to raise respectful, well-behaved, and well-adjusted children.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Parenting expert Amy McCready is the founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, which has empowered thousands of parents to correct their kids’ misbehaviors permanently without nagging, reminding or yelling. She has appeared on the Today show, Rachael Ray, and Fox & Friends, and on MSNBC, among others. A regular contributor to the Today Moms blog, McCready lives in Raleigh, North Carolina, with her husband and two sons. www.positiveparentingsolutions.com

PRAISE FOR THE BOOK:
“Just when you thought you had no need for another parenting book, along comes Amy McCready’s invaluable guide to raising responsible, caring, well-behaved children. When it comes helping parents with the day-to-day challenges of raising kids—from managing meltdowns to getting children to do their chores—few books can compete with this one in terms of practical, clear, and wonderfully wise advice.” —Annie Pleshette Murphy, parenting expert ABC News NOW

“I’ve always said that if a parent does their job right, they eventually work themselves out of a job. Finally, the tools we all need to achieve ‘parental unemployment.’” —Wendy L. Walsh Ph.D., human Behavior Expert on CNN and Headline News

Pre-order the book:
Amazon.com
Barnes&Noble.com
IndieBound.com

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